well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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