If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
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why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
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