I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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