Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
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I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
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If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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