We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Such a big mess for such a small penis
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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