I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
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he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
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There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
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