My liver just broke up with me...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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