I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
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Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
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She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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