last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize