I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
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Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
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I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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