Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
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You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
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Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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