i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
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I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
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He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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