Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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