Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize