No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
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they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
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In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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