My first STD was from a foam party
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
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it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
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No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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