her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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