so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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