He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
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yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
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don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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