dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
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Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
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I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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