God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
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I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
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This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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