Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My hand turned me down
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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