Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
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I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
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PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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