apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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