It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
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Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
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It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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