Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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