i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We don't watch enough power rangers
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I see more hoeing in ur future
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