She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
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i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
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I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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