just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
