The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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