Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
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Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
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I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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