My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
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she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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