she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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