So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
just tell him i said nine months
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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