it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
we're making bets on your personal life
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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