took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
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You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
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I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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