If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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