My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I faked an abortion last night.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
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my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
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You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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