Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I am naked and annoyed.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize