I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
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He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
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If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
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