I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
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They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
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The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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