i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
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Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
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I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize