I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
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When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
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I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize