dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Randomize
