Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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