My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
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I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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