i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My ATM looks so different sober.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
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My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
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remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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