True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
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She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
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