ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
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Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Sober January is a disaster.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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