hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
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id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
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Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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