I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize